One of the things that I enjoy is music. It serves as fuel for me when my day starting to trash down on me. It gives me hope when I am helpless. It makes me realize my worth when I feel useless. I am enjoying it more when I dance with it.
When I was in my first year college, me and a close friend decided to join a school dance competition, just for fun doing the thing you love, and for the prize of course. At first, the hope is high. Everything flowed smoothly, the choreography was good, the music was entertaining. But in the day of the competition, we unfortunately chose the number of the group that will first perform. We were prepared, but on that moment, we felt falling. Then after that, while watching the other groups perform, the hope of winning became blurry then gone. There was no reason to be happy, they were better than us.
The next year, I decided not to join. I saw déjà vu, the moment of shame, clearly the same as last year. Why should I do it again? Doing things that will hurt me over and over again? Why should I waste time? There are more important things to take care of than to join the competition with a nil chance of winning. My friends still tried to join without me. They want me to get envy, practicing the routine in front of me. And yes, I did got envy but still pride reigned over me. I tried to hide it but a very close friend saw it in my eyes. I failed to hide it from her. She made me change my mind, with just words. No mind pressure. “ Are you in the right mind in stopping yourself in doing things that you really wanted to do? It’s like taking your own life. Dancing your life and are you prepared to take it away from you?” In that predicament, I took away the prize from eyes, the shame, losing. The next couple of days, the rehearsals flowed smoothly. We were just doing what we love, that will complete the gaps in our character. The real “me”. The real “us”.
I named our group Reboot, a computer term, to restart the system. That’s what we did, we rethink everything. Like in a computer, when you reboot it, it wastes a lot of energy, it’s not easy to redo and recreate it. We used a lot time and energy but we didn’t get tired because we love what we are doing. We learned from our past errors, used the lesson learned to make a new dance. In the day of the competition, the only thing we did is to dance, enjoying the moment of doing the thing I enjoy doing, my life. Amidst the cheer of the crowd, we are relieved that we are giving them the entertainment they want to see that day, way satisfying that winning the prize. We gave them what they deserve. At the end of the day, we brought home the grand prize.
I am now working in a rural area of Thailand, two driving hours away from the hustle and bustle of Bangkok. The world I never get use to live with. Far from the world that mold me as me. And yet, there is not feeling of un-belongingness inside me. I am meant to be here.
In the third year of being here in Thailand, a lot of things happened to me. A lot of mistakes, a lot of misconceived decisions, a lot of things to be corrected. I had the good job at the first half of the year. Good salary, opportunity to escape from a world full of fools and lies, but I risk losing some good friends. One big sacrifice from one big decision that I need to endure. They were in that world, they live there and they have to stay and I have to go. One thing that I learned, decisions will not give perfect results. Sometimes you have to sacrifice something. At the end, I just now realize the real importance of living and working abroad. Once you want something, sacrifices are also in the package. It will never be easy. It will never be prefect.
At the end of the year, I just learned my true worth as a Christian. One friend asked me to attend the Christian Life Program of the Singles for Christ – Central Bangkok. It was the third time I received the invitation from 3 different persons in three different situations but in that moment I felt that it was the real calling for me, an invitation to know Him more and his part in my life. One the first day of the program, I said to myself, “Satisfaction makes me enjoy things. If I am satisfied and enjoyed doing this, I’ll commit my Sundays for this and if not, no more next Sunday. It didn’t fail me. At the end of the day I decided to continue to walk on this journey towards Him. And at the end of the program, I huge change happened in my life. I realized all the sinful things I did for a long time. It made me realized the real meaning of life on earth. Understanding hope, the never-ending hope that God is always with you. Everything flowed smoothly. Everything was so easy, even at those times that I was unemployed for two months and living on the money owed from friends. I am not anymore afraid of living in a place without relatives and a place that I have to be independent and alone. Something is always in store for me. Someone’s watching over me. Not on the moment that certain things will happen on the time I wanted it to happen but I know that God has answer in His time, in His mercy. I have to trust him. One time, I just came home from one of the talks in CLP. I always told my housemate, a dear friend all the things that I learned on that day. I saw her touched and teary-eyed. I told her all the things that happened to me since we live on the same house. I call her “ninang” since she is like a godmother to me, always has an ear to listen to my stories. I told her everything, no secrets. She knows all the things that happened to me. She told me that I was an answer to all of her prayers. She told me that I am a concrete evidence that God moves in mysterious and powerful ways in our lives.
Before the summer vacation ends, I attended the First Birthday party of my friend’s child. In one unexpected circumstances, one of the people who were always there in all the parties that I attended in that place approached me and asks me if I am fine. Even though things are weighing down in my shoulder, I said I am fine. Then after that, she asked me about my job. I told her the real situation of my employment. I trusted her even though I don’t really know her well. Unexpectedly, she told me that a friend her (who were always with her in all the get together) who were working in her school left and went back to Philippines so their school is needing a teacher, a Science and Math teacher which is my major and minor subject of specialization. She recommended me to work in her school. I was not that really interested but I tried to go there for an interview. The salary is good, the school is beautiful, the students are nice, the teachers are hospitable and I will teach what I love to teach. There is only one hunch, the school is in the province. The first thing that came to my mind, I am a city boy, I don’t think that I will last in that place. Still I tried and went to the place. The place is civilized, but there are no tall buildings and houses, well-lit roads and streets, noisy cars and people, and unlimited internet connection. This is not the place that I used to live in. The only “fun” place to go is the nearby Tesco Lotus and market.
They accept my application and I signed the contract for the reason that I will teach what I love to teach. My previous teaching job that I had, I also receiving a good salary but teaching is very stressful for me since it was not what I want to teach.
My previous job asked me again to work for them. I became confused. Two situations are brawling inside my head: a nice but sad life in Suphanburi and the fun but stressful work in Bangkok. In an advice of a friend, I went to the toilet, locked myself in one of the cubicle and prayed. I ask light in that time that the future is blur to be seen. When I went out of the toilet, I am now decided; I chose the life in the province.
One night, I was in my friend’s house (the one who recommended me for the job) and sharing stories. She told me the reason why she approached me and talked to me the day she offered me to work in the province. She said that she saw me sad and was in deep thinking in that day that I am trying to suit in a happy occasion. In that moment, she also heard a tiny voice, “Ask him if his fine.” One whisper of chance is the answer to my prayer. God again did not disappoint me. He showed me the real power of prayers. God always provides, in those times that I need help. As long as I know how to ask and talk to Him, He will not disappoint me, not on the time I am expecting it to happen but in the time according to His plan. In that moment, the time favors for the answer of my prayers.
Now, I am now living the real life of a worker in another country. The joy of sending enough money for my family back home, the real sacrifice, a real work. One huge start from one big change. A new life as a Filipino and as a Christian. I’m choreographing a new dance again, groovy and the audience will enjoy watching me dancing it, those people in my life. I just pressed the reset button of my life. Reflected all the things that happened in my life, correcting the errors, let God reign over me and my life. It is stressful but I know I will be happy after this. In the time that I will dance again, I know how to move to the beat. In the time that my system works again, my mind is refreshed, I can now do my duties and obligations. I am happy with what I am doing at I should fear nothing, in my enemies, in trials, as long as I know that God is always on my side.
