A few months after high school graduation, whenever I have free time, my friend and I used to visit my high school and see out former teachers. That time, the teachers were busy preparing a stage play. We got to hang around during rehearsals. They asked us to join the play because they need policemen for a certain scene. No talking parts, we just need to hold the main's characters arm for about 5 minutes then drag her out of the stage. I agreed because the whole cast and crew will have an out-of-town trip after the run, free of all expenses.
We attended rehearsals and many times I was assigned as a prompter, a person on the side of the stage whispering lines to someone who forget theirs. This made me memorize almost all the the lines of the play. After rehearsals, we sometimes threw lines while walking out of the school campus. Me, reciting the lines of those who were not with us. A few days after the opening night, a little problem with the costume resulted to something I cannot even imagine. A cast member walked out the rehearsals. Then there was this awkward silence which was broken by the director when he said, "Philip, learn the lines. You will replace her." I jolted, left my mouth wide open for a few moments before agreeing. When I looked around, everyone were also aghast. After the rehearsal that day, they made me stay. The role is a supportive sister of the main character, who's always there for the family and witness how her cousin and nephew grew up. We rehearsed a few lines. The script didn't work for a male. Then director snappily thought of acting the role as a gay uncle. A flamboyant gay uncle.
That's when I learn to love the theater. The ecstasy of performing. The way the heart beats of nervousness and excitement. When you don't want to know if you want to shout or throw up when that curtain opens. The feeling of accomplishment and relief after the curtain call. Theater has been in my blood all along. Then I graduated, got a job and the calling just fades away. Farther and farther until the ears can't sense the minute amplitude of its voice.
Two weeks ago, I read from the Bangkok Community Theater Facebook page that they are having auditions for the Fringe Festival, a theater show composed of one-act plays and musicals. I stared at the post for a couple of minutes, considering to audition.
When I started working, gradually I started to fear crowds, or being in front of a crowd. The performing bug left me. Or maybe I abandoned it. I am always shy to speak or perform in front of people. There were times that I need to be in front of people, and I hate the feeling of wanting the ground to swallow you whole just ti have that sweet release from torture. But I want to do well on everything that I do and I want to deliver. So I just sucked it in and do it. But every time I finish, I always say that I don't want to do it again.
I promised myself that I want to do something different and exciting this year. I felt like the past year was pretty boring for me. I love travelling but that is not the different and exciting that I want to do. I want to do more. I wanted to be challenged.
I was tearing myself inside looking at the BCT announcement on Facebook. There was a war and it seemed no one want to lose. And I didn't want to sleep on it and give myself more time to think. I was afraid I might forget it and lose this chance. But the feeling of being on a stage with people looking at you, watching you, judging your performance, waiting for you to fail is undeniably bad.
When the stage calls you, you answer.
The stage has called me and I answered.
I will be playing a role in the opening musical number for the Fringe Festival. And this will not be a one-time thing. I will be joining the Bangkok Community Theater.
Theater, here I come. It's great to be back!
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